Trenches

You never really know how things will turn out in your life.

Maybe that’s a gift. Maybe that’s a curse. 
After what happened to my family, I live in a constant state of fear. Have you ever felt like this?
Now I know that bad things can also happen to me — so what’s going to be next? I wonder… And yet, although some things changed for the worse, some things changed for the better.

You know, I always knew I was lucky. Lucky in love, lucky with my family.
But you can’t be prepared for all the bad scenarios in a relationship, so when something truly awful happens, it can be a surprise how the other person will react.

When I was in the hospital, my husband stayed there with me.
They put our beds together and tried to make it “cozy” for us — well, I don’t know a better word for it. They tried to make our lives a little less shitty in that moment.
We couldn’t sleep sometimes, so we helped each other. We talked and cried, talked and cried… and it went on repeat.

We also talked about how afraid we were of what the future would look like for us. 
Sometimes, you see in movies how an experience like this can tear a relationship apart. Dad starts drinking, Mom starts taking meds, and the distance between them grows farther and farther… Until there’s nothing left to save anymore.

But our relationship turned out nothing like that.

In the following days at the hospital, we were able to say goodbye to Louie and see him one last time. A truly lovely nurse — who selflessly also works as a photographer for “star parents” (as we say in German) — took some photos of us. So at least we have some memories with him.

But that’s not all.

We also had to organize his funeral and take care of things no parent should ever have to handle for their child. And my husband did it.

He took care of everything.

He was the one who sent messages to everyone, explaining what had happened. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for him. I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I would have disappeared from everyone’s lives — just to avoid dealing with it.

And yet, he did it. For us.

Our relationship has only grown stronger. 
There’s nobody else in the world who understands how I feel — and the same goes for him. I am so grateful for the choices I made when I was only twenty-one. 
Nine years later, here we are.